running out of time

chilling out to amy winehouse, trying to get into the groove to write about the past month or so. i've needed to write for so long and it's finally starting to pour out little by little...

six little weeks. that's all i have left in this mini lifetime. it's weird to be able to see the time slamming shut. the deadline has incited something similar to an internal schizophrenic panic.

clearly, transition between being here and visualizing leaving this all behind has already happened. i haven't achieved nearly enough. and now i'm leaving in six weeks. questions are constantly running through my mind: what have i achieved? what can i achieve in six weeks that i haven't achieved yet? did i do enough for @Qatar? was i too focused on my personal growth and not focused enough on the work i was here to do? what tangible results have come from my work? and so begins a downward spiral of inadequacy. it is simply impossible for me to be as idealistic as i was when i first arrived and for me to believe that so much more can be done, as i used to... but i still feel like i underachieved, even though i remember the hundreds of unreturned phone calls i made to ministries and companies, the lack of action and follow-through of many of the members despite being given all the tools to succeed, the general inability to break through the frustrations that kept presenting themselves no matter how hard and long we worked. some things are simply not possible for AIESEC Qatar right now.

if my only achievement is personal growth, even if it wasn't intentional, is that selfish? something to ponder. but i really do believe that i've accomplished other things as well... i like to think that i've affected at least a few of the members, that i actually got through to some of them, or that i've facilitated experiences that some would have not otherwise even have seen as an option. but i guess only time will tell.

basically, i've resolved to make each day count for something from now until the end. yes, everything is a process and i'm not necessarily in control of a lot of things here, but the things that i can control will be completed, day by day.

this is all a learning experience. without being here for the past ten months, i am confident that i would not have been selected for the UK MC, something which feels so perfect right now. i'm looking forward to the next year of my life with enthusiasm i haven't experienced since i left Madison in my junior year to live in Washington.

plus, leaving in mid may means that i'll have three weeks at home instead of one and i'll still be able to be in London by July 14th for Georgie's bday and the annual review/anniversary celebration on the 20th.

tomorrow's post: team days in London and EuroXPRO in St. Petersburg.