i miss you

somehow, the closer i get to going home (one month and five days) the more i miss it. my mind is currently occupied by odd moments and places in time... moments that have become characteristics of madison for me. last night, i couldn't stop thinking about sipping a g&t at paul's club.

instead of taking about anything of substance, i've taken to describing those moments that i can't seem to get past to my friends here. the pressure of getting these thoughts out interrupted a chill silence yesterday and i told my photographer friend about the tree in paul's club, seemingly randomly. i think that sometimes these descriptions of places that flash into the space between my memory and my present mind tell my friends more about who i am than talking about things that matter. they may if my friends actually listen. because here, nobody wants to talk about things that matter. i'm afraid that i've forgotten how to have those conversations with others and it's just a continuing monologue in my head when i have the time to let my mind wander.

it's like i've been existing in a different dimension, on a different wavelength from everyone from my other life. [i can't get over the fact that sometimes when i do things here, i get the feeling that i'm doing them so i can pass the time more quickly].....

i'm becoming more and more reflective on my experience in qatar. my time here feels like a brief interlude in my life, like i'm putting in my dues so i can live the life i want to live later...(although that was exactly what i wanted to avoid when coming here... one way to compensate was to put effort into creating a life for myself here outside of work, which i think i did successfully, so why do i still feel like this?) ... i guess that implies, on some level, that pleasure and happiness can't exist without some difficulty and hard work. the balance between costs and fun and work and achievements is very apparent to me now, more than ever before. i have never really thought of myself as that person that puts work before play.